Helping Someone Get Help
Dear Reader:
This blog can actually be reduced to one sentence!
The Problem: You are worried because you are witnessing someone you love behaving unusually or strangely. You are concerned; you want to help.
Here is that one sentence promised above, the one into which everything can be rolled:
Tread very carefully, empathize, say you would like to help, help with lists containing phone numbers and/or websites, and then, when he or she is agreeable, very gently encourage your beloved relative or friend to get professional help.
Frankly speaking, well-meaning friends and relatives many times believe they can help with their advice and experience. (In one case, a woman in a crisis mode–over the breakup of her marriage –was advised by a caring friend to get a facial.)
In a parallel situation, discussing physical illness, well-meaning friends might share “information” about medicines that helped them. Fortunately, some medications require prescriptions, and thus are taken out of circulation, where they can be abused.
Why coffee shop?
Why is it that a heart-to-heart over lattes in a coffee shop seems, to some people, a bona fide mental health consultation? Perhaps they consider the ambience non-threatening. But we need to think carefully about how we take on the role of advisor, source of strength. Wishing does not make what we say true or even helpful. Loving and caring, and having experienced similar situations, does not qualify you to make solid judgments about what another person is going through, and to judge whether they are physically and mentally equipped to handle it on their own.
That you are speaking only from your own experience (lived through or heard about) has to be made clear at the outset. After that, there are things you can say and do.
Virtually, the advice and suggested techniques printed or online are essentially the same. Although somewhat repetitive, we have reprinted some of them here, leaving it the reader’s call as to which one to follow, or perhaps to glean from all.
Many suggestions are online about how to open the conversation and begin to offer help. These below come from –i’vegotyouproject.com
£ “If you’re having a hard time, you can tell me. I’ve got you.
£ “Whatever you’re going through, your feelings are totally valid. I won’t judge you.
£ “You seem stressed out. How about a hug?”
“One of the most difficult times to open a conversation is when someone is expressing a lot of anger. Here are some ways to approach him/her.
£ “‘You seem really tense,’ or, ‘I’m concerned about you.’
£ “’It seems you get upset very quickly lately.’
£ “‘I’m worried about how angry you’ve been with me/Mom/your friends/etc., lately.’
If the person responds defensively or with anger, you can try listening non-judgmentally. If they are abusive, say, ‘Let’s not talk about this now.’ While your observations may not have been received well initially, you are planting seeds for further conversation.”
It is your call as to whether the above online suggestions are viable.
SAMHSA
A great ally in helping someone exhibiting mental health issues is SAMHSA–Substance Abuse, Mental Health Services Administration. Following is an example of its style of circulating information and advice:
–www.samhsa.gov
“FOR FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS”
Anyone can experience mental health problems. Friends and family can make all the difference in a person’s recovery process.
Supporting a Friend or Family Member with Mental Health Problems
You can help your friend or family member by recognizing the signs of mental health problems and connecting them (the friend) to professional health care.”
This article goes on to praise early detection leading to earlier treatment. It also gives how-to tips on enhancing communication. Here are a few examples:
£ “Use a straightforward manner to express your concern and support.
£ “Remind the person that help is available, that mental health problems can be treated.
£ “Offer to help with everyday tasks.
£ “Continue to include them in your plans, continue to invite them even though they might resist and not accept.
£ “Treat the person with respect, compassion and empathy.
£ “Speak at a level appropriate to the person’s age (preschool children need fewer details than teenagers).
“Feelings of sadness, anxiety, worry, irritability and problems sleeping are common for most (sic) people. However, when these feelings get very intense, last for a long period of time, and begin to interfere with school, work, and relationships, it may be a sign of a mental health problem. And just like people need to take medicine and get professional help for physical conditions, someone with a mental health problem may need to take medicine and/or participate in therapy to get better.”
Relationship Tips
There are tips that ease the stress of dealing with mental illness while in a relationship.
£ “Don’t let the diagnosis ruin the relationship. As a couple, you’re going to undergo a lot of diagnoses that might shake both partners. It’s important you take on one challenge at a time and don’t let it define your relationship.
£ “Keep up positive communication with each other. It’s easy for couples to break apart due to mental illness. Due to this, it’s important each partner checks up on the other and says, ‘I love you’ throughout the day.
£ “Keep up the admiration for each other. It’s easy for partners to get strung out over each other when dealing with mental illness in the relationship. Plus, recent studies have shown that couples that regularly admire each other have a stronger connection.
£ “Consistently check in with each other. Whether you do it daily or weekly, take some time to sit down together and see how both of you are doing.
£ “Create a self-care routine…Not caring for yourself will boost the stress level caused by the illness and put the relationship at risk. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, spending time with loved ones, and doing your favorite hobbies.
£ “Remember that your partner is not responsible for meeting all of your needs…At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own happiness.
£ “Don’t blame your partner. Many experts say that they see a lot of blaming on both sides in relationships where one partner has a mental illness. The ‘healthy’ partner often blames everything that goes wrong on the other person. This creates an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
£“The key to avoiding this is to focus on empathy and understanding. Ask open-ended questions about their illness and experiences. Listen deeply to your partner’s answers. Though you may not like what they have to say, it is better to understand where they are coming from.
“Try to talk about your concerns and feelings without being judgmental.”
Take Aways
After reading what blog writers have wrought, it’s interesting to give a turn to Artificial Intelligence. Unsurprisingly, the work is succinct.
Also to its credit are good writing, good grammar, and a fine summary.
–AI Overview
“To notify a loved one that they might need mental health help, approach them with your concern, express your observations about their behavior, validate their feelings, and gently suggest seeking professional support, while offering to help find resources or make appointments; be patient, listen actively and emphasize that seeking help is a sign of strength.
Key points to remember:
Choose the right time and place.
Find a private, calm moment when you can have an open conversation without distractions.
Start with ‘I’ statements:
‘I’ve noticed lately that you seem…’ or, ‘I’m concerned about…’ to express your observations without accusations.
Focus on specific behaviors:
‘I’ve noticed lately that you seem…’ or ‘I’m concerned about…’ Mention concrete examples of their behavior that worry you, like changes in sleep patterns, appetite or social withdrawal.
Validate their feelings:
Acknowledge their emotions and let them know you understand that they might be struggling.
Offer support:
‘Would you like to talk about this more?’ or, ‘I’m here to listen if you need someone.’
Suggest professional help:
‘Have you considered talking to a therapist?’ or, ‘I can help you find a mental health provider in our area.’
Avoid blame and judgment:
Don’t say things like, ‘You should just snap out of it,’ or, ‘This is all in your head.’
Be patient and persistent:
It may take time for someone to accept they need help, so be supportive and understanding.
If you suspect a crisis situation:
Reach out immediately:
“If your loved one is expressing suicidal thoughts or is in immediate danger, call emergency services* or a mental health hotline.
Involve others:
If appropriate, talk to other family members or close friends who can offer support and encouragement.”
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Phone 988
Text 988
Chat 988
Open 24 Hours
Languages: English & Spanish
