Back To School Triggers Onset Of Ambivalence

Did you ever have the feeling
that you wanted to go,
yet you wanted to stay,
yet you wanted to go…?

–Jimmy Durante, comedian

Ambivalence.

As described by a comedian, it‘s funny. As a mental health issue, it’s not.

When the calendar indicates the coming of School Days (or Back-to-School Days, as the case may be), it’s also announcing the advent of Ambivalence Days–with some nights thrown in for good measure.

Students enrolled in schools away from home may begin looking forward to freedom; then they may feel a twinge of guilt about being so happy at the thought of it.

Parents whose offspring will leave home may feel relieved that someone else will be monitoring behavior and what outlandish hour the kids come rolling home after a night out. And then the same parents will feel a twinge of guilt at having thought the thought.

Mental Health

Straddling the fence, then, seems common behavior at this time of year and on this issue. It manifests in a range of emotions that may include distress, loss, nostalgia, sadness, loneliness, irritability and grief.

Most coping advice says to reassure yourself…to say, “It’s okay to have intense emotions. Find healthy ways to deal with your feelings. Keep busy. Seek out the company of others who have already gone through what you are going through now.”

Campus Concerns

Realistically, parents do have reason to worry about the ambience on campuses now. Demonstrations, and sometimes violence, have taken the place of discussions and debates on political issues of national and international import. Administrations of venerable institutions of higher learning are caught in the maelstrom of changing and differing alumni views and their interdependent support.

Drugs and gun violence are a threat on campus, as everywhere. Inflation gobbles up an ambitious, hardworking student’s incentive to work his or her way through college.

Empty Nest

Add these concerns to the traditional empty nest syndrome, the normal human missing of a beloved child, and parental discomfort may get out of hand. Then it is advisable to seek help from trained, experienced mental health experts. They have the ability to impart coping skills. In addition, they are equipped to ferret out and unlock unexpressed and unresolved family issues, if any. As a result, they can open meaningful communication and make this time of year not only bearable, but a period of pride and satisfaction.

Historical View

Which it should be! Historically, “Education” has been cherished. Wise people know it provides the tools with which to make a living…and also to make a life instead of a gaunt existence. If certain cultural subjects are required/available, such as Art Appreciation, Music, Literature, etc., these can make a well-rounded person out of someone who spent his or her teen years feasting on social media.

Classic Movies

The acknowledgement of learning, especially higher learning, being pivotal has been the theme of films and books, especially the biographies of great men and women. “The Corn Is Green” tells the story of a teacher in a Welsh town who will not rest until a deserving student understands. and then believes, he must not end up in the coal mines. Based on a true story, its lesson was so powerful that it was produced as a film twice, each time starring a Hollywood powerhouse (Bette Davis and Katherine Hepburn). Though their devotion to teaching was touching, one of the scenes that was even more moving was when a straggly hometown band came out to the railroad station to welcome the young student on his first visit home.

Dorm Decor

Sometimes, on Facebook, you can spot the parents who are beginning to exhibit signs of empty nest syndrome. They have posted photos of their daughter’s dorm room. It is in the throes of either denial or an identity crisis. It looks like anything but a dorm room!
The bed is a four-poster with a canopy top, just like the one the girl has at home!

Was there a heavy parental hand at work designing this decor? Probably, because lots of young people, left to their own devices, will show up with very little except those devices. Electrical ones. for writing term papers, communicating with friends, and listening to music, all crammed into a few cardboard cartons or wire crates.

Stepping Back

It would seem logical that if the kids want to show some independence, the decor of their dorm room is a good, and not terribly crucial, place for parents to begin thinking about stepping back somewhat.

Father Sarducci

To put a lighter edge on the whole situation, it might be a good move for all the parties to watch a hilarious YouTube together. Although a few years old, this one is spot on with what a student remembers five years after graduation. Search: Father Guido Sarducci’s Five-Minute University.

Rodney Dangerfield

The film, “Back to School” starring Rodney Dangerfield, is another uproarious look at campus life. Sometimes available free on YouTube, it, too, might take the edge off the last few days before parting.

Jimmy Durante

Although not concerning school days, it is the performance cited at the outset of this blog. Search YouTube for: Jimmy Durante singing “Did You Ever Get the Feeling?”

In Print

Also a few years old is a most heartwarming and poignant description of leavetaking for college. It appeared in a Sunday edition, and appealed to parents to cope by learning along with their children.

THE NEW YORK TIMES
August 17, 1976

For Young and Old,
A Time to Learn

For those parents who will be sending their offspring off to college this fall, there are a thousand feelings. Then, if ever, words of lyrics ring true: “Sunrise, sunset, swiftly fly the years.” Or, “Turn around and you’re two, turn around and you’re four, turn around and you‘re a young child going out of the door.”

Can it be that this is happening to you? Can it be that the days of whine and roseola are over, that the progression up the seemingly endless scale of child care has reached its highest pitch, and is now fading into a lost (umbilical) cord?

In June, we watched them march down the aisle at high school graduation–Earth Shoes peeking out from long black robes, academic caps listing on Samson-like locks. They disliked the processional’s Pomp, but liked the Circumstance, for they were finished with exams for a while.

As we watched, our hearts were full of hope and prayers for their college futures. Now we wonder what will happen to them in September. We fear malnutrition, as we know they will subsist on pizzas and Cokes. We worry that they will use a detergent other than all-temperature Cheer and shrink their cotton shirts.

We pray for them to be successful in their studies, and yet hope that there will be time for leisure, new friends, and happy college days on which to look back.

We wish for them to adjust well, not to be homesick, yet not to forget to write to us. We desire their minds to be filled with knowledge (and love for the pursuit of it ), while still getting to know “The Hustle” and “The Boogie” and whatever crazy fads take their place. We want them to pick up the world in their hands, and yet not lose the stars in their eyes.

We are thankful that we were able to lay college catalogs before them, like travel agents, and invite them to “pick a school.” We are gratified to live in an age that provides aptitude tests, so that they could make a scientific choice of profession. We are grateful for the ability to give them opportunities we may not have had. And we also are envious because their sunrise is still before them.

But need we be envious? We, too, have opportunities. During the days and months that they will be away, when we will be relieved of fulfilling their physical needs, we will have time to do the many things we have been promising ourselves for so long.

The state colleges, for the most part, have Continuing Education departments. For example, Kean College offers several free, non-credit courses for non-matriculating students, including “How Your Legal System Works.” Other courses range from tennis and theater to play reading.

Rutgers offers both pragmatic job-oriented and enrichment subjects, such as public speaking, assertiveness (women only) and assertiveness (for husband and wife together).

Seton Hall will have offerings in humanistic studies as well as minicourses on weekends.

Most high schools have adult schools that offer everything from gourmet cooking and sports to foreign languages and how to repair your own car.

Churches and temples, Y’s and community centers also can be places of cerebral and physical enrichment.

Just as the years flew by from the time our children were born until they went off to college, the weeks will whisk by until they are home for vacation. They will be new people, full of themselves and their new knowledge.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if they came home to find a new, fuller us too?